I never thought I would be that girl, the one who pines and whines, the one who frets and frowns, the one who sighs and sobs, the one who needs help and hope. That girl has no spine. That girl gives up too much of herself. That girl is better than this. That girl is the one who loses.
I’m not that girl. But to be honest, there are so many times when I start to feel like her. I’m confident, smart, talented, and content with myself, and I’m not modest about it. But there are times when all of that just disappears and I come under this spell where I can’t seem to recognize myself anymore. My determination to better myself transforms into a different sort of determination, one that’s almost self-destructive. My willingness to make other people happy becomes scary, and I almost become willing to give up my own happiness for it.
Is it worth it? See, the smart and confident me is shaking her head and rolling her eyes, and just giving me a pitying look. But that me is the old me, the one who didn’t really give a damn who she hurt, the one who put herself first no matter what, the one who used and re-used people like a pack of never-ending tissues. The old me was mean and heartless. The new me is scared of her. But perhaps the new me is too much of a scaredy-cat altogether. The new me has experienced life and seen death, the new me knows loss and suffering all too well, and does not ever want to go through it again. The new me has a perpetual fear of sudden loss, and is shit scared of the unexpected. So the new me wants things to be good all the time, with no regrets or remorse holding her back. In order to make that happen, the new me would do just about anything.
So it is worth it. But perhaps the price to pay for it becomes exorbitantly high sometimes. There is, after all, only so much frustration, and anger and indifference I can fight against. I can’t break down every wall on my own, or change every mistake into a correction alone. I could try, but that would be a prime opportunity for the old me to resurface. So the new me needs help. Give her some. Because, remember, it is worth it.