2 Months: Love, live and go on

Bhai, it’s been 2 months since you passed away. I hope you’re safe, and happy and in the comforting arms of angels who keep you away from harm and protect you vigilantly. I miss you all the time, sometimes so much that I feel like I’ll go crazy with so many thoughts of you occupying my mind. But I am not going to sit and cry about it, not so much anymore; I am going to love, live, and go on.

Every day since your death has gone by strangely. On some days, I smile like I actually mean it, I talk to friends genuinely and I feel contentment and some sort of satisfaction that you’re okay. On other days, I feel so much anguish and pain that I hate being around people and I just want to sulk around, not giving a damn. Every day, I pray for you and I hope, more than anything, that all those prayers that I, and the hundreds of people who love you, are sending up constantly reach you and tell you that you were a great person to have in our lives.

I have so much to be grateful for to you. Remember how you constantly used to remind me that you used to change my diapers when I was a baby? You used to tell me this all the time, especially in front of friends to embarrass me, but even so, I felt so good knowing my big brother used to take such good care of me. You taught me about karma, about companionship, about how sometimes you don’t get what you really want and it’s okay for that to happen.

You taught me how to cross the road safely, you taught me to NEVER use the ‘n’ word when referring to African-American folks, you taught me how to enjoy music. Everything I listen to is because of the influence your own musical taste had on mine. I grew up listening to you singing Vital Signs, Junoon, Strings, u2, etc and I was your favorite audience every time you sang. My favorite songs today are mostly what your favorite songs were. I watched you teach yourself how to play the guitar, and I remember how you also taught me to play it. Sadly, I only got as far as learning a few chords before I got distracted. Remember when I tuned your guitar once (because I thought I was actually smart enough to do that) and one of the strings snapped? You got so angry but you didn’t take it out on me.

Even now that you are gone, you are still teaching me so much. Your death has taught me how important it is to be a good human being. You did so many kind things for people, most of which none of us even knew about, and you did them without hesitation. Those same people now pray for you and remember you fondly. Knowing all of that, being told by so many people about what a terrific individual you were, makes me want to be so much better. I know I am not perfect, and every time I messed up you used to get mad at me. I know I disappointed you sometimes but I don’t ever want to do that again. I don’t really know, but I hope you’re watching out for me still, and that you keep doing so, because I want to keep making you proud.

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