Disraili once wrote, “Fear makes us feel our own humanity”. If that is true, then I am feeling remarkably, eye-poppingly, very, very human these days. So human, in fact, that I could almost imagine morphing into some strange, ethereal super-human, with all my senses functioning beyong normal, at an alarming level of accuracy. That’s how human I would be, because that’s how scared I am. But that’s just based on what Disraeli thinks.
Mary Manin Morrisey, a minister of some sort of spiritual order in Oregon (random, I know, but I liked her quote) the other hand, wrote “You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith”. I don’t know how far I agree with her, but she does have a point. When we set out to accomplish something, actualise a goal, achieve some sort of success in a difficult endeavour, oftentimes we allow our fear of failure and of falling short to engulf us, so much so that it distorts our vision of what we first wanted to overcome. The fear takes up residence in our heads during the day, guiding the trajectory of our thoughts in a way so that it prevails over what we do; and during the night, it haunts us, conjuring up vivid dreams, continuing to torment us even while we peacefully try to sink into slumber. The fear incapacitates us, our belief in what we wanted to do, the faith we had in ourselves for being able to achieve.
The deadline for the contest is in 8 days, and, as time goes by, each day, I become a little less sure of myself. I am scared, of failing, of falling short, of not being good enough, of my hard work not paying off, of achieving nothing, of all this being in vain, of never getting anywhere with my writing now or later, of becoming just another anyone who could not be someone.
In succumbing to the fear, I’ve lost a bit of my faith. I am no longer sure, I am no longer certain, I no longer believe.