I dreamt of us today. It was more of a daydream, actually. I love those, they occur at the most arbitrary of times, like while I’m watching Edward Norton beat himself up in Fight Club, or in class, listening to the professor drone on about the similarities between Eve and Pandora.
I don’t know where we were. New York, maybe, or Toronto. Some metroplitan city with lots of tall, grey buildings and traffic jams and underground subways and roadside hotdog and pretzel stands. We were older, and the weather was just the way I like it. Slightly windy, with a chill in the air, the type that makes me want to walk faster, wear my new purple coat, and breathe out harder on purpose so I can watch my breath swirl around and dance with yours. You were standing at the end of the street, next to the deserted coffee shop which I’d regrettably insisted on trying once, waiting for me. I was late once again, and as I saw you from across the road, the urge to run and hug you from behind overwhelmed me.
But I waited, even when the signal turned crimson and the little green man on it told me it was safe to cross the road, I waited. You looked at your watch, possibly contemplated calling me, even took out your phone, but shook your head slightly and changed your mind. But I saw that smile, that barely-noticeable upward curving of your lips when you saw the screensaver on your phone, the black and white picture of you kissing my cheek while I looked at the camera smugly. No one else could have seen that hidden smile of yours but then again no one looks at you as closely as I do.
I watched you put your hands in your pockets, and lean against the red-brick wall of the delapitated coffee shop, looking around, a placid expression on your face. That was how you were, not rebelling or raging against everything around you but actually at peace with it. A simple man, and I couldn’t understand it, maybe I even envied it a little, the way you happily blended in. At that moment, I couldn’t even put into words the way my heart suddenly filled up with everything I felt for you. As you scraped the ground with the heel of your shoe, you caught sight of me and without even blinking, your eyes lit up. It overflowed then, everything I felt for you broke through the boundaries of my heart and overflowed into my veins, to the point where my pulse, my mind, my breath, they all seemed to stop.
You ruled over them all, over me, and when you stepped forward and smiled, I could breathe again. I smiled back, trying to contain my glee, careful not to let my features betray what I felt inside, and waved. As I waited for the signal to turn red again and for the little green man to reappear, I fumbled around my bag, pretending to look for something, but fully aware of your gaze on me. You knew about the invisible wall I constructed around myself and you saw right through it, I hated that. You were a patient man, and you knew you’d break it down, and I knew I would let you. I hated that too.
The signal was red. The green man told me it was safe to walk now, it was safe to cross over to you.